Sunday, November 22, 2009

The middle

I am in the part of pregnancy they call the "second trimester". I am big enough to look pregnant, but not big enough to birth yet. I am over the worst of the sickness but I still randomly puke at inopportune times. I am not yet experiencing the "could it be time" feelings but I have contractions. This is supposed to be the happy time. When you glow and feel good and go on a "babymoon" with your loved one and nest and dream about your baby and all that other crap the books say you will most definatly do in your second trimester.

Me - I call this the middle and I hate middles. I have never been a fan of the middle of anything. Middle of movies, books, oreo's, nothing about the middle impresses me. I want the nervous anticipation of the beginning or the way an ending feel tidy and complete, even if they aren't what you expected. Middles bore me. I start reading faster, I fast forward, I do what ever I can to get to the end. But here I am, in the middle of this thing they call pregnancy and I can't fast forward. What to do with myself for the next 8 weeks????

Now, I know you are all thinking that I hated the begining of my pregnancy and it seems par for the course that I will hate the end, so it is obvious I would hate the middle too. Here's the thing, for about 2 hours a day now in this "middle phase" I don't hate it, and that scares me.

I have more energy. I can stay up till 8:00 now instead of 7:30. If there are no mirrors around I sometimes forget I have a giant stomach. I can eat chicken again. It's weird. I feel a little more normal. Now, don't get me wrong, I am still miserable about not having any cute clothes and the severe downward spiral that is the aging process is still happening to me way to quickly and I can't stop it for another 4 months, but overall, life is better than it was just 3 weeks ago. That scares me, but is preparing me for having to like or at least tolerate middles. I will now be the parent of a middle child. I will now use the middle seat in my car, I will become a lot more used to middles. Someone in my family is now always going to be the "middle one" and sometimes, it might even be me.

I need to get over my constant need to know what happens next so quickly. I have to learn to slow down and not think about the finish line and enjoy the view a little more. I am learning that reading quickly means you are left with nothing to read just as quickly and skipping the middle of your favorite movie isn't always so great, you lose some really good moments in the middle (like the rap sequence in Teen Witch). Maybe it is because I am turning 30 in just 2 more months, but slowing down seems like a really good idea these days. Or is it realizing I can't control everything no matter how hard I try. Probably both. I don't have the energy to go so fast now nor do I have the energy to worry so much. If there is anything good about being pregnant right now, it is that it is teaching me to slow down. Enjoy my kids, bake more, worry about work less. I still am planning on finishing my quest to conquer the world, but now, if it takes an extra day or even year, that's ok. I guess with second trimesters and impending old age comes a little knowledge that slowing down isn't losing, it's just enjoying the middle more.