Monday, February 8, 2010


I am in a bad mood. I don't know why, it could be this never ending pregnancy or the fact that I have been confined to a bed for the last few weeks. Whatever it is, I am in a crappy mood. When I am in a crappy mood, I find that making a list of things that bother me always makes me feel better. You should try it. Here is today's list:

1. My neighbor who wheels his garbage can in each time at 1:00 AM. You suck. You wake me up each time and then I can't get back to sleep for 3 hours. I don't like you.

2. Who ever said that ear infections can be solved by getting tubes in your ears, you were wrong. My 3 year old has tubes and a new ear infection.

3. My neighbor. He is getting ready to ride his bike. I can see him through the window. He is walking his bike down the driveway and wearing a bright yellow helmet.

4. My giant stomach. Yes, I know I am the vessel for a new life, but I am done being a vessel. I want my life back. I want to eat a normal meal, I want to sleep, I want to see my feet, I want to be minus a chin, I want to stop waddling. Enough is enough. Just come out already.

5. Anyone who asks me if I have had the baby yet. Really? I bet I will let you know. I have bitched up a storm so far, you don't think you are going to miss my bitching about being in labor, do you?

6. A certain friend who is turning 30 in 2 weeks.. She gets to celebrate it in jeans and a cute shirt. She gets to drink. She gets to say good bye to her 20's by looking hot and being drunk. I wore sweatpants and went crazy and had coffee with breakfast. I asked her to not celebrate as a way to honor our friendship. She declined.

7. Anyone who asks what we are naming the baby. We don't know. We don't agree on anything. We might not name it. I already named 2 kids, maybe I am fresh out of names.

8. Men. I am sick of men saying they know how I feel because their wives have been pregnant. No, sorry buddy, you have no idea how I feel. You might be fat, but that fat doesn't kick you in the ribs all day. You can still drink beer. You WILL NEVER know what it feels like to push a child out of you. You will never know what it feels like to not be able to sleep on your stomach. I don't say I know what it feels like to be a guy because I saw my husband get hit in the balls once. I assume I would need balls to really understand. Just like you need a uterus to really get the pregnancy thing.

9. Anyone who doesn't get that Liz is short for Elizabeth. Are you that stupid? Why, when I say "this is Liz" do you say "oh, sorry, I was looking for Elizabeth"? What do you think Liz is short for? Lizard? Lizzle? It is short for ELIZabeth you idiot. Next time, I am going to tell you that you have the wrong number.

10. Real Estate Agents. I don't really need to elaborate but 90% of them are not smart. See #9 above, that happens to me at least 5 times a day and only by real estate agents. I am sure my neighbor is a real estate agent.

Wow, I feel better already. :)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Adventures of Bed Rest - day 1

Things I have learned so far while on bedrest:

1. Cosmo is not for married almost 30 year olds with 2.7 kids. Did you know that almost everything I own is on the "not" list. Who knew that ladylike boots were a "not" and that if you wear delicate jewlery you are not cool. Cosmo is written for 30 year old women (I am hoping 20 year olds aren't so jaded yet) who are single, live in a big city, have glamourous jobs and sleep with new men every week while making sure they are up on the lastest how to's for curling their hair, applying lip gloss and wearing 4 inch heels. It depressed me. Am I really that old? Why can't I make even 1 article in Cosmo apply to me????

2. is really, really funny but also really scary. People really drink and mess around this much and then text about it? I am so boring.

3. If you want to know what you might look like at 50, depressed and 50 lbs overweight, do the following:
1. Get pregnant
2. Make it to 30 weeks so you are large and in charge
3. Be forced on bedrest and don't shower for a few days
4. Get pumped with a lot of fluids so your face looks really bloated and your eyes are nothing more than slits.
5. Stare at yourself in the mirror for 10 minutes, cry a little
I have no doubt in my mind that this could be me in 20 years if I don't watch it....

4. Facebook is really boring. I guess if you have 600 friends, it might be more entertaining, but when you have 8 friends and they all have better things to do during the day then update their statuses every 10 minutes, it kind of makes you feel like a loser that you DON'T have anything better to do.

5. Just when you think life can't suck any more for the next 5 weeks, you get news that your 3 year old needs his tonsils and adenoids out and tubes in his ears. Needs to be done within the next 2 weeks.

6. Other people on bedrest are boring.

7. Don't eat soup in bed without a tray. It gets really messy and now I smell like soup.

8. Smelling like soup is not OK unless you are 85. Especially when you can't shower all that often.

9. I am smarter than 1/2 the people on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Having delusional ideas about going on said show and actually looking into it makes me an idiot but took up some time, so that was good.

10. The Kindle is the most awesome invention ever but I get so overwhelmed by all of the book choices only a click away that I eventually feel that I pick the wrong book and then dwell on my bad choice for too long and then start a horrible cycle of self doubting that ends with chocolate.

11. The Jersey Shore show on MTV makes me happy and that makes me worried.

Till tomorrow my friends, till tomorrow!