Monday, February 8, 2010


I am in a bad mood. I don't know why, it could be this never ending pregnancy or the fact that I have been confined to a bed for the last few weeks. Whatever it is, I am in a crappy mood. When I am in a crappy mood, I find that making a list of things that bother me always makes me feel better. You should try it. Here is today's list:

1. My neighbor who wheels his garbage can in each time at 1:00 AM. You suck. You wake me up each time and then I can't get back to sleep for 3 hours. I don't like you.

2. Who ever said that ear infections can be solved by getting tubes in your ears, you were wrong. My 3 year old has tubes and a new ear infection.

3. My neighbor. He is getting ready to ride his bike. I can see him through the window. He is walking his bike down the driveway and wearing a bright yellow helmet.

4. My giant stomach. Yes, I know I am the vessel for a new life, but I am done being a vessel. I want my life back. I want to eat a normal meal, I want to sleep, I want to see my feet, I want to be minus a chin, I want to stop waddling. Enough is enough. Just come out already.

5. Anyone who asks me if I have had the baby yet. Really? I bet I will let you know. I have bitched up a storm so far, you don't think you are going to miss my bitching about being in labor, do you?

6. A certain friend who is turning 30 in 2 weeks.. She gets to celebrate it in jeans and a cute shirt. She gets to drink. She gets to say good bye to her 20's by looking hot and being drunk. I wore sweatpants and went crazy and had coffee with breakfast. I asked her to not celebrate as a way to honor our friendship. She declined.

7. Anyone who asks what we are naming the baby. We don't know. We don't agree on anything. We might not name it. I already named 2 kids, maybe I am fresh out of names.

8. Men. I am sick of men saying they know how I feel because their wives have been pregnant. No, sorry buddy, you have no idea how I feel. You might be fat, but that fat doesn't kick you in the ribs all day. You can still drink beer. You WILL NEVER know what it feels like to push a child out of you. You will never know what it feels like to not be able to sleep on your stomach. I don't say I know what it feels like to be a guy because I saw my husband get hit in the balls once. I assume I would need balls to really understand. Just like you need a uterus to really get the pregnancy thing.

9. Anyone who doesn't get that Liz is short for Elizabeth. Are you that stupid? Why, when I say "this is Liz" do you say "oh, sorry, I was looking for Elizabeth"? What do you think Liz is short for? Lizard? Lizzle? It is short for ELIZabeth you idiot. Next time, I am going to tell you that you have the wrong number.

10. Real Estate Agents. I don't really need to elaborate but 90% of them are not smart. See #9 above, that happens to me at least 5 times a day and only by real estate agents. I am sure my neighbor is a real estate agent.

Wow, I feel better already. :)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Adventures of Bed Rest - day 1

Things I have learned so far while on bedrest:

1. Cosmo is not for married almost 30 year olds with 2.7 kids. Did you know that almost everything I own is on the "not" list. Who knew that ladylike boots were a "not" and that if you wear delicate jewlery you are not cool. Cosmo is written for 30 year old women (I am hoping 20 year olds aren't so jaded yet) who are single, live in a big city, have glamourous jobs and sleep with new men every week while making sure they are up on the lastest how to's for curling their hair, applying lip gloss and wearing 4 inch heels. It depressed me. Am I really that old? Why can't I make even 1 article in Cosmo apply to me????

2. is really, really funny but also really scary. People really drink and mess around this much and then text about it? I am so boring.

3. If you want to know what you might look like at 50, depressed and 50 lbs overweight, do the following:
1. Get pregnant
2. Make it to 30 weeks so you are large and in charge
3. Be forced on bedrest and don't shower for a few days
4. Get pumped with a lot of fluids so your face looks really bloated and your eyes are nothing more than slits.
5. Stare at yourself in the mirror for 10 minutes, cry a little
I have no doubt in my mind that this could be me in 20 years if I don't watch it....

4. Facebook is really boring. I guess if you have 600 friends, it might be more entertaining, but when you have 8 friends and they all have better things to do during the day then update their statuses every 10 minutes, it kind of makes you feel like a loser that you DON'T have anything better to do.

5. Just when you think life can't suck any more for the next 5 weeks, you get news that your 3 year old needs his tonsils and adenoids out and tubes in his ears. Needs to be done within the next 2 weeks.

6. Other people on bedrest are boring.

7. Don't eat soup in bed without a tray. It gets really messy and now I smell like soup.

8. Smelling like soup is not OK unless you are 85. Especially when you can't shower all that often.

9. I am smarter than 1/2 the people on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Having delusional ideas about going on said show and actually looking into it makes me an idiot but took up some time, so that was good.

10. The Kindle is the most awesome invention ever but I get so overwhelmed by all of the book choices only a click away that I eventually feel that I pick the wrong book and then dwell on my bad choice for too long and then start a horrible cycle of self doubting that ends with chocolate.

11. The Jersey Shore show on MTV makes me happy and that makes me worried.

Till tomorrow my friends, till tomorrow!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The middle

I am in the part of pregnancy they call the "second trimester". I am big enough to look pregnant, but not big enough to birth yet. I am over the worst of the sickness but I still randomly puke at inopportune times. I am not yet experiencing the "could it be time" feelings but I have contractions. This is supposed to be the happy time. When you glow and feel good and go on a "babymoon" with your loved one and nest and dream about your baby and all that other crap the books say you will most definatly do in your second trimester.

Me - I call this the middle and I hate middles. I have never been a fan of the middle of anything. Middle of movies, books, oreo's, nothing about the middle impresses me. I want the nervous anticipation of the beginning or the way an ending feel tidy and complete, even if they aren't what you expected. Middles bore me. I start reading faster, I fast forward, I do what ever I can to get to the end. But here I am, in the middle of this thing they call pregnancy and I can't fast forward. What to do with myself for the next 8 weeks????

Now, I know you are all thinking that I hated the begining of my pregnancy and it seems par for the course that I will hate the end, so it is obvious I would hate the middle too. Here's the thing, for about 2 hours a day now in this "middle phase" I don't hate it, and that scares me.

I have more energy. I can stay up till 8:00 now instead of 7:30. If there are no mirrors around I sometimes forget I have a giant stomach. I can eat chicken again. It's weird. I feel a little more normal. Now, don't get me wrong, I am still miserable about not having any cute clothes and the severe downward spiral that is the aging process is still happening to me way to quickly and I can't stop it for another 4 months, but overall, life is better than it was just 3 weeks ago. That scares me, but is preparing me for having to like or at least tolerate middles. I will now be the parent of a middle child. I will now use the middle seat in my car, I will become a lot more used to middles. Someone in my family is now always going to be the "middle one" and sometimes, it might even be me.

I need to get over my constant need to know what happens next so quickly. I have to learn to slow down and not think about the finish line and enjoy the view a little more. I am learning that reading quickly means you are left with nothing to read just as quickly and skipping the middle of your favorite movie isn't always so great, you lose some really good moments in the middle (like the rap sequence in Teen Witch). Maybe it is because I am turning 30 in just 2 more months, but slowing down seems like a really good idea these days. Or is it realizing I can't control everything no matter how hard I try. Probably both. I don't have the energy to go so fast now nor do I have the energy to worry so much. If there is anything good about being pregnant right now, it is that it is teaching me to slow down. Enjoy my kids, bake more, worry about work less. I still am planning on finishing my quest to conquer the world, but now, if it takes an extra day or even year, that's ok. I guess with second trimesters and impending old age comes a little knowledge that slowing down isn't losing, it's just enjoying the middle more.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

10 years ago today

So, this blog is usually reserved for my bitching about being pregnant.. Today though I thought I would be a decent human and blog about something important. Today is my 10th wedding anniversary! If you don't want to read a mushy post that is probably just rambling, then I would stop now.

10 years ago today I married my high school sweatheart. We were young. I was 19, he was 20. We weren't pregnant, I didn't need a green card, he wasn't shipping away to a war, we just wanted to get married. Our parents (well, mostly his), didn't really agree. Kids don't get married, they experience life, they go to college and have lots of fun and drink and don't settle down with just one person so soon. Well, that wasn't our plan. I can honestly say that from the day I met Mike I have never, ever wanted to spend one day apart from him. I mean, I can and I will, but he is always on my mind. Not all creepy Fatal Attraction like, but more like with him, I feel comfortable, I feel myself, I can be me and he can be him and we just work. I don't ever think of a life without him. I don't cry a lot, but show me an elderly person who just lost their spouse after 70 years of marriage and I am on the floor in tears. Why? Because I know we are only human and our time on this earth is limited, but living without Mike is something I never want to experience. I don't care if we are 90 and spent 74 years of our lives together, it wouldn't of been enough. There is a comfort in our relationship that I hope everyone can experience. I know him better than I know anything and he knows me better than I know myself. He has also changed me. I am who I am today only because of him and I will be even better tomorrow because of him. For anyone who says you can't find your soul mate at 16 - I did...


We have been through heaven and hell together, you have been awful to me and I have been awful back, we have been really poor (remember when I tried to pawn my ring :)) and we have been really successful, we have 2.48 kids, we have made good and bad decisions (sometimes all at once), but what really matters more than our bank account or our house or even if our kids turn out to be decent (we should still work on that though) is that I have you by my side. I take your hand and don't say a word and you squeeze it hard and I know that I am safe, that I am surrounded by your love and that we started a journey when I was 16 years old that I hope never ends. I know that my life is what it is because of you and our silly love and I wouldn't trade it for anything. You are my constant, you are my everything. I wouldn't even trade you for David Beckham. I could spend all day talking about us, but I have to make breakfast now, so just remember that these past 10 (really 13) years have been wonderful. You are stuck with me. I will try to look good in a bathing suit again one day and you just keep wearing your hat backwards and we will grow old by the ocean together. I love you. Elizabeth

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

A rant or two..

Yes, I did say I was going to update this blog a few times a week... Yes, I am still pregnant. No, I am not going to catch you up on the last 2 months. They weren't very exciting, just me being miserable and sick.

Now. A list...

What I miss about being not pregnant:
1. My jeans - I don't have great clothes, but I have great jeans. I know it is ridiculous, but I look forward to fall like you wouldn't believe. Jeans and heels and cute shirts. There is nothing better. Now, I have one pair of maternity jeans from Old Navy and a stubborn streak in me that won't let me buy any jeans unless they are of the premium kind. Mike won't allow me to spend money on the nice maternity jeans. Bastard.

2. Alcohol - I am not an alcoholic. I do though enjoy a glass of wine or a vodka every now and then. I most enjoy it when out with Mike for dinner. There is something awful about ordering a Shirley Temple when all the other adults order crown and cokes. Call me selfish, it's OK. I am. I won't drink when I am pregnant, but I can miss it!

Is it bad that these are the two things I miss the most? I mean, I miss a lot of other things too, like sushi, sleeping on my stomach and playing with my kids more, but the jeans and wine take the top spots this week. Especially since my 10th wedding anniversary is in 2 days and I can’t look hot in jeans or drink to the memories with my dear husband…

What I hate when I am pregnant:

1. Non-pregnant people - All of you. I don't care if you are my best friend. I hate you right now.

2. Skinny pictures of me - Especially if I am wearing my nice jeans or holding a drink.

3. People who are overly excited around pregnant people - Really, stop giggling and staring at my stomach, I promise it is less baby and mostly fat at this point. Yes, I am pregnant. I know, a shocker, now, can we get back to our day?

4. My mother - Now, I don't really hate her, but she has the energy of a f-ing bat on speed and it gets on my nerves. I used to be that person damn it! I used to be able to do laundry and grocery shop all in one day. She makes me feel like a lazy slug. She does help out though which negates most of the resentment, but still, must she wake up at 4:00 am and talk so fast?

5. My inability to get Botox - I have never had botox, but I think I need it. I am terrified that this 9 month hiatus from beauty routines will set me back so far on the anti-aging front that I will look 40 by next March. I am obsessed with Botox. I am sure I need it. I hate wanting something I can't have.

6. Vacations – See, I love to vacation. LOVE IT. I was going to learn to ski in Tahoe this winter and scuba dive in the Caribbean this spring. I had plans. Now, I am going to take the kids on the Polar Express train this winter and birth a child this spring. Sure, that will all be fun, but between scuba diving and birthing a child, I sometimes think Scuba wins. I mean scuba has to be less painful and not as messy, right?

7. Sleeping – Because it doesn’t happen. Unless it is at 11:00 AM on a Saturday when I need to be up being a mom.

8. Did I already say non pregnant people?

I know.... Small sacrifices for a bringing a life into this world, but see, I already have 2 kids and while they are great, they don't appreciate all I went through to get them here. They don't care I couldn't wear my cool jeans for 9 months or that I still looked pregnant for 6 months after they were born. They care about new baseball cleats and if I will give in and buy them lucky charms. Never once has Ryan came to me and thanked me for giving up red wine for 9 months nor has Reed grabbed my hand and told me I look good in maternity wear. I know they love me and they are good little kids and I am thankful each day for them, but honestly, I can't wait for March and a glass of wine while Scuba Diving in my William Rast premium denim. :)

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Kelly Ripa is not my friend

Oh the agony. I think I am dying. My throat is swelling up and I can’t swallow. I take a sip of water and it comes right back up. Ryan is next to me pretty much in the same shape. He has a dr. appt today. I try to muster through but it is evident by about 10:00 AM that I am dehydrated and in desperate need of fluids. I call the dr’s office. They tell me to try the BRAT diet. Perhaps she didn’t hear me. I tell her again I can’t eat or drink as it all comes right back up. I am not calling her for diet advice, I am calling as I am worried the lack of fluids and a steady pace of vomiting has taken its toll on my body. She tells me to take smaller sips of water. I tell her that would make me just throw up smaller amounts of water. She tells me to go to the ER for fluids and anti nausea medicine. I hang up on her. She has obviously never been pregnant nor had a stomach virus.

I am awake and watching Live with Regis and Kelly. I remember reading somewhere that Kelly has 3 kids. She is the size of my left ankle. I hate her. She is giggling and moving quickly and sampling chocolate fondue. All things that make me sick. Did Kelly ever feel like this when she was pregnant? I decide she didn’t and change the channel. I watch The Price is Right. That guy is annoying and the people on the show seem way to excited to win a lawnmower. I change the channel again. There is nothing on. I try to work but throw up. I decide I have to go to the ER. My body is cramping and I have the worst sore throat.

Now, the most likely choice to take me to the ER would be Mike. I mean, he has been wonderful thus far. I call him. He agrees I should go, but – he is busy in a meeting- he can’t go for a while. I am feeling worse and worse and need to go soon. I am left with no choice but to call my mother…. I think this is Mike’s way of getting back at me for being so needy and emotional. My mother, of course is ready and willing to come with me. The problem with my mom is – she’s my mom. She wants to talk about how I feel, how the baby is (really? I don’t know, I am sick and throwing up and haven’t asked the baby recently how it feels). She drives with one foot on the gas and one on the brake. We are constantly braking and I might throw up. I try not to. We are in Mike’s car and I don’t want to do that to him. We get to the ER and she misses the turn. I want to cry. We finally get inside and the woman in front of me in line appears to be just fine. She is talking normal, standing up straight, smiling. All things I am not capable of in my current state. My mom thinks I have swine flu. She is getting ready to tell someone I have swine flu. I hit her in the arm and she shuts up. I just want to lay down. I am sitting in the waiting room and she is trying to use my phone. I don’t know why she is trying, but she is. She needs help of course as my mother and Blackberry’s don’t really go together. I take my phone and throw it in my purse. I am acting a little bit like a brat, I know it and she knows it, but damn, I am about ready to throw up in the waiting room of a hospital.

I start looking around for the best place to be sick. I have 3 options. Find the bathroom, use the trashcan out here in the open or use my purse. Considering my purse is Prada and a gift from Mike, I rule that out. The bathroom is not close enough to get to quickly and I can’t guarantee access at all times. I decide on the trash can. This might be the most embarrassing thing ever. I am a successful person, capable of making grown men cry if they cross me and I am now going to throw up in a hospital waiting room trash can. Thankfully they call my name and we go back to triage. There, I meet a Dr. He is really excitable. He mentions that he used to be the Chief of something at the hospital. I wonder what he screwed up on to now be the Triage Dr. at the ER. He asks me if this is my first baby. I say no, my third. He literally looks at me like I have 3 heads and says “Oh, wow, don’t you know how babies are made?” and shakes his head and stares at me all weird and shocked looking. Now, this is weird on a lot of levels. 1. We are in Gilbert, Gilbert has a large Mormon population. It isn’t weird for families to have 3 or more kids here. 2. I am not 23. I am almost 30. I don’t appear to look 23. Perhaps we wanted 3 kids. Who is he to cast his opinion? Shouldn’t he still be the Chief Something? 3. Lots of people have 3 kids, I have been keeping track. I swear 3 is the new 2. You can’t tell me he doesn’t know this.

We get to a room, I get fluids, I get Zofran and Phenergan, I get two Tylenol with codeine for my throat and head. My stomach doesn’t feel sick right now. I am on cloud 9. I am back to my old self. I can look at the emails that have piled up and respond. I can watch sportscenter without getting motion sickness. I might be cured! 4 hours (and I am sure a hefty bill) later, we leave. My mom had left a while ago when Mike got there, so we drive home without any missed turns or excessive braking. I am feeling good and eat an entire quarter pounder with cheese from McDonalds and fall asleep.

Ryan had hand, foot and mouth disease. So did I . We had the kind that settles as blisters in the back of your throat and causes high fever and vomiting. It sucked, we both feel better and Mike takes us out to breakfast. We each eat like we hadn’t eaten in a week and all is well with the world.

UNTIL… apparently I was in some drug induced happiness stage of my life. By noon my throat blisters are raging, my fever is back and I am nauseous again. I manage to make it to work as Erin is gone for the week on vacation and I fear my employees being alone with the internet. I get to work. Someone left 6 kittens outside our door. It is hot out. Rachel (our assistant) makes them a temporary home in our office and I contemplate keeping one. I am not as delirious as I think as I make a sane decision to not keep one (I don’t know if Mike would be OK with one more thing to look after) and I get through my work as best as I can. I can’t promise I was nice to every Realtor who called me on Friday, but I did my best.

Still sick, but now it's not just the baby making me sick!

Ahh, August is here. It is hot and I am still sick. It’ s getting worse. You see, the more weeks I am the worse it gets. I heard it is supposed to go away around 13 weeks. I am keeping a countdown by my bed. I am sure Mike hates me. He has become the sole caregiver to the kids. I can’t stay awake past 7:30 and have to be in bed by 7:00 or I am sick. I can work as long as I sit in my chair and constantly eat, but after a while even that makes me sick.

Reed starts school. This means he will get sick and he does. He runs a fever for an entire weekend and doesn’t leave the couch. This is good as I don’t leave the couch either. My mom comes over and grocery shops and takes Ryan school clothes shopping. I am an awesome mom… My guilt meter is in over drive. I am happy about this new little one, but feel it is taking a toll on my other two. Reed tells me I am sick because the baby in my belly eats all my food and I am hungry. He is so cute. Ryan tells me he wants it to be a boy so Reed will want to play with the new baby and Ryan won’t have to share. That doesn’t seem cute, but incredibly self serving. I am not throwing up and birthing this kid so you don’t have to share. I don’t know why I am doing it, but I am sure that is not the reason.

So, Reed is better and Ryan gets sick. So do I. Not my usual sick, but a fever and more throwing up and I can’t eat. Ryan and I both are a wreck. We can’t get up, we just sleep all day. This is the first day in about 3 years I haven’t checked my email or worked at all. I am so sick I just sleep. Poor Ryan wants water. I get up to get it and get sick. We summons Mike home to take care of us. He seems a little stressed. I am sure it has to do with the fact that he is busy at work and now he gets to start at us poor sick souls and work at the same time. I don’t envy him, but I don’t let him get near me as I can’t have him sick too!