Oh the agony. I think I am dying. My throat is swelling up and I can’t swallow. I take a sip of water and it comes right back up. Ryan is next to me pretty much in the same shape. He has a dr. appt today. I try to muster through but it is evident by about 10:00 AM that I am dehydrated and in desperate need of fluids. I call the dr’s office. They tell me to try the BRAT diet. Perhaps she didn’t hear me. I tell her again I can’t eat or drink as it all comes right back up. I am not calling her for diet advice, I am calling as I am worried the lack of fluids and a steady pace of vomiting has taken its toll on my body. She tells me to take smaller sips of water. I tell her that would make me just throw up smaller amounts of water. She tells me to go to the ER for fluids and anti nausea medicine. I hang up on her. She has obviously never been pregnant nor had a stomach virus.
I am awake and watching Live with Regis and Kelly. I remember reading somewhere that Kelly has 3 kids. She is the size of my left ankle. I hate her. She is giggling and moving quickly and sampling chocolate fondue. All things that make me sick. Did Kelly ever feel like this when she was pregnant? I decide she didn’t and change the channel. I watch The Price is Right. That guy is annoying and the people on the show seem way to excited to win a lawnmower. I change the channel again. There is nothing on. I try to work but throw up. I decide I have to go to the ER. My body is cramping and I have the worst sore throat.
Now, the most likely choice to take me to the ER would be Mike. I mean, he has been wonderful thus far. I call him. He agrees I should go, but – he is busy in a meeting- he can’t go for a while. I am feeling worse and worse and need to go soon. I am left with no choice but to call my mother…. I think this is Mike’s way of getting back at me for being so needy and emotional. My mother, of course is ready and willing to come with me. The problem with my mom is – she’s my mom. She wants to talk about how I feel, how the baby is (really? I don’t know, I am sick and throwing up and haven’t asked the baby recently how it feels). She drives with one foot on the gas and one on the brake. We are constantly braking and I might throw up. I try not to. We are in Mike’s car and I don’t want to do that to him. We get to the ER and she misses the turn. I want to cry. We finally get inside and the woman in front of me in line appears to be just fine. She is talking normal, standing up straight, smiling. All things I am not capable of in my current state. My mom thinks I have swine flu. She is getting ready to tell someone I have swine flu. I hit her in the arm and she shuts up. I just want to lay down. I am sitting in the waiting room and she is trying to use my phone. I don’t know why she is trying, but she is. She needs help of course as my mother and Blackberry’s don’t really go together. I take my phone and throw it in my purse. I am acting a little bit like a brat, I know it and she knows it, but damn, I am about ready to throw up in the waiting room of a hospital.
I start looking around for the best place to be sick. I have 3 options. Find the bathroom, use the trashcan out here in the open or use my purse. Considering my purse is Prada and a gift from Mike, I rule that out. The bathroom is not close enough to get to quickly and I can’t guarantee access at all times. I decide on the trash can. This might be the most embarrassing thing ever. I am a successful person, capable of making grown men cry if they cross me and I am now going to throw up in a hospital waiting room trash can. Thankfully they call my name and we go back to triage. There, I meet a Dr. He is really excitable. He mentions that he used to be the Chief of something at the hospital. I wonder what he screwed up on to now be the Triage Dr. at the ER. He asks me if this is my first baby. I say no, my third. He literally looks at me like I have 3 heads and says “Oh, wow, don’t you know how babies are made?” and shakes his head and stares at me all weird and shocked looking. Now, this is weird on a lot of levels. 1. We are in Gilbert, Gilbert has a large Mormon population. It isn’t weird for families to have 3 or more kids here. 2. I am not 23. I am almost 30. I don’t appear to look 23. Perhaps we wanted 3 kids. Who is he to cast his opinion? Shouldn’t he still be the Chief Something? 3. Lots of people have 3 kids, I have been keeping track. I swear 3 is the new 2. You can’t tell me he doesn’t know this.
We get to a room, I get fluids, I get Zofran and Phenergan, I get two Tylenol with codeine for my throat and head. My stomach doesn’t feel sick right now. I am on cloud 9. I am back to my old self. I can look at the emails that have piled up and respond. I can watch sportscenter without getting motion sickness. I might be cured! 4 hours (and I am sure a hefty bill) later, we leave. My mom had left a while ago when Mike got there, so we drive home without any missed turns or excessive braking. I am feeling good and eat an entire quarter pounder with cheese from McDonalds and fall asleep.
Ryan had hand, foot and mouth disease. So did I . We had the kind that settles as blisters in the back of your throat and causes high fever and vomiting. It sucked, we both feel better and Mike takes us out to breakfast. We each eat like we hadn’t eaten in a week and all is well with the world.
UNTIL… apparently I was in some drug induced happiness stage of my life. By noon my throat blisters are raging, my fever is back and I am nauseous again. I manage to make it to work as Erin is gone for the week on vacation and I fear my employees being alone with the internet. I get to work. Someone left 6 kittens outside our door. It is hot out. Rachel (our assistant) makes them a temporary home in our office and I contemplate keeping one. I am not as delirious as I think as I make a sane decision to not keep one (I don’t know if Mike would be OK with one more thing to look after) and I get through my work as best as I can. I can’t promise I was nice to every Realtor who called me on Friday, but I did my best.